Memo to Myself

I'm really amazed at the difference in how I feel. The weekend prior to my admission I kept saying to Joe "I don't really need to go in, you know". I had myself completely convinced that I was being frivolous in agreeing to the admission, that if I just waited a little longer things would right themselves and I'd lose the sense of exhaustion I'd been struggling against for the past couple months. I didn't want to subject myself to the PICC line that snakes from my bicep, up the vein in my arm and into the SVC, the big vein that goes into my heart. I didn't want to take the heavy-duty antibiotics that damage my kidneys and hearing. I didn't want to deal with the 2 weeks away from my home, family and friends. Two weeks in a strange place, being poked and prodded, eating crappy food and not being able to sleep through the night.

Something in me must have made me do it, though I was convinced I didn't "really" need it. After 5 days on the antibiotics I started feeling better and noticed that I could move more air when I breathed. Exercise wasn't as exhausting as it had been. Ok, so maybe I did need the antibiotics after all. Had I really been sick?

Today after exercise I'm blown away by the difference in how I feel. I was able to increase the speed at which I was exercising, after getting the duration up to 30 minutes. Even at the increased speed I didn't feel as winded and exhausted as I had just a week ago. Tomorrow I'll see if I can bump the speed up another .10 of a mile/hour. This is the best part, when the progress is evident and things are improving. I guess it's no wonder I go into denial when things are going downhill! It's depressing. Who wants to acknowledge a decline in function?

I admit it: I was wrong. I DID need to come in and have a 2 week course of IV antibiotics. I told Joe to remind me next time I say "I really don't need to do this" that the previous time I said the same thing, and see how much different I felt? Like as not, I won't listen to him, but maybe one of these times I won't fight it so much and I'll just accept it as something I need to do. Something that isn't much fun, but is a necessary evil, and as the dangling carrot I have the fact that I'll feel so much better afterwards.