Life's Rich Pageant

Life is such an incredible journey. Everything we have experienced in the past leads us to where we are at the present moment, and these moments will, in turn, shape our future. Things that don't seem to be relevant at the time can help us down the road in ways we would never have dreamed. There's always something 'round the bend, just beyond our line of vision. At times we may get a glimpse of it and at other times it may come into full view, so clearly we will wonder how we had never seen it before.

Things seem to be coming together in an interesting way. Single events fit together like puzzle pieces and feel right. Past experiences that seemed unremarkable have taught me things that prove useful in current situations. I feel blissful and at peace. Amen.

Appreciating Impermanence

 Each one of the flowers pictured above is a perennial, meaning that it will return and re-bloom each year, for a few days to perhaps a week. Annuals, on the other hand, bloom for an entire summer, although they only last that one season.  Each has its benefits: the annuals provide reliable, long-lasting color whereas perennials return yearly, but only for a fleeting time.  

There are a few annuals in my garden, some nasturtiums and marigolds in the veggie garden and several pots with lobelia, alyssum and impatiens.  Annuals are nice, but my passion has always been with perennials. Such a stunning assortment of forms and colors! The trick, one I've yet to master, is to have a mixture of perennials that will provide constant bloom throughout the season.  Every year I learn more about each plant: where it will be happy, what other plants complement it and when it blooms. Eventually, I hope to have color everywhere in the gardens from spring to fall, using only perennials.

When each flower appears with its colorful beauty it would be easy to feel disappointment at the short time we are able to enjoy it, or frustration at the fact that it doesn't last longer.  Over the years I've learned that it's important to appreciate them while they are blossoming, but realize that they'll never last as long as I'd like. Nothing does, whether it be something good or something bad, a lesson that is important to keep in mind.

Quite a Sendoff

A week ago today we said goodbye to Paul in grand style and it's taken me this long to be able to put anything in writing. There were so many emotions associated with the day: joy, nostalgia, respect, appreciation and of course, sadness that it has been difficult to process.

Our dear friend was definitely in charge of the weather because it dawned sunny, clear and much warmer than the usual first-weekend-in- May average. Paul was always cold so it was perfectly fitting. Interment at the beautiful Mount Holyhood cemetery in Brookline was simple and brief. The urn sat atop the gravesite along with the lovely glass rose that symbolized his online friendships with other cystic fibrosis patients. It was difficult walking away.

The memorial mass was given by a Jesuit priest, Father Jim, who couldn't have been a more perfect match. Paul would have loved him and I can just imagine the lengthy and in-depth philosophical conversations what would have occurred between the two of them. Although the two of them never met in life, Father Jim perfectly summed up Paul, no doubt due to the loving descriptions given by Paul's parents and aunt. His mom picked the readings for the mass and although I am probably the furthest thing to a religious scholar, they made perfect sense to me and tied the ceremony together perfectly. It was a beautiful service and a wonderful, loving tribute to a great son, brother, nephew, friend, scholar and teacher.

His family had planned a delicious luncheon reception following the service where everyone could mingle, share stories and process the mass. The food was delicious and a perfect way to cap off the morning's ceremonies.

It was amazing to have a group of 15 cystic patients together in one place celebrating the life of a cherished friend. The photo was taken on the steps of a former dormitory that was adjacent to the reception and chapel. Friends came from far and wide to pay tribute to Paul: several from the west coast, the south, and the northeast. I can't think of another occasion which has gathered such a number of cystics in one place.

The culmination of the day was the Because of a Woman CD release party that night. Held at an Irish bar in Brighton, the setting couldn't have been any more perfect. Dorian Taj made the trip from Chicago to perform and Paul's brothers David and Kevin did an amazing job of bringing to life the songs from the CD. My favorite, of course, was Terminal.

I think Paul would have been quite pleased at his sendoff, though I can hear him blustering about all the cystics spending time together. Somehow, though, I think he would have understood that we needed to do this for us and if anything, that would have made it almost ok in his mind. 'Bye, friend, I'll always miss you but will see you on the other side.

A Constant

As I was doing the post-Christmas cleaning of my bureau, I found an envelope of old cards in my sweater drawer. I'd come across them from time to time when looking for one one of the seldom-worn tops that gets buried at the bottom, only to shuffle the folder around without opening it or reading them. This time I thought I'd look through them, expecting to find a couple written in Wilson's grade-school handwriting and a few from Joe.

There were a few from my grandmothers, signed "with oh so much love" and "love and kisses" which brought tears to my eyes. Sure enough, there were several from Wilson, some even pre-preschool, filled out by Joe. And then there was a stack from Joe, which dated back to our pre-marriage days. If these cards had been cars they would be classified as antiques!

Reading through them brought back so many of the memories that lie buried in the recesses of my mind. Yes, we have a long history together- twenty-some-odd years. There were a few cards from when we first started dating, containing simple words but sincere and sweet sentiments. Somehow, 20 years later they have even more meaning to me than they did at the time- and they did mean a lot back then! They weren't merely nice words written in a romantic moment- when Joe says something, he truly means it and that is a constant I've always been able to count on.

We were so young! Twenty-three and twenty-five years old when we got together. We jumped into marriage with both feet, not hesitating even for a moment. Family started, we were working 7 days a week between the 2 of us, not able to spend much time together. We bought a house, fixed it up, raised Wilson, worked and managed to have lots of good times and a few bad sprinkled in here and there. Ingredients tossed into a pot that make up the stew that is life - a rich and tasty stew that I savor every single day.

Looking back, I feel so lucky to have picked him for my mate. What the hell did I know at 23? Throughout all our lives we evolve, change and grow. I am blessed that we have been able to learn and grow from each other and that somehow, we have stayed in sync. Through thick and think, good times and bad, sickness and health he sticks with me. I am truly the luckiest woman in the world to have found the perfect person for me to go through life with. I guess that is truly what the definition of a soulmate is.

Lockdown

We just finished watching a movie called The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, which was quite a thought-provoking film. Joe must have put it on our Netflix list and when I heard what the storyline was I said "no way do I want to watch that, way too depressing". It's the story of a French man, the editor of Elle magazine who suffers a massive stroke at the height of his career when he is 41. He is completely paralyzed but for one eye and he is unable to move at all except to blink. He was perfectly capable of hearing, understanding and thinking, but was unable to speak or express himself, which is called "locked in syndrome" for obvious reasons. I can't even imagine the frustration.

The movie is filmed in French with subtitles and when Joe watched it a couple weeks ago I passed through the living room a few times and found myself pausing to read a bit of what was going on. It didn't seem as depressing as I had originally thought. Ok, maybe I'll give this flick a try.

Today we sat down to watch it, Joe for the second time. It was an intense film, shot from the point of view of the main character, Jean-Do, the man who was paralyzed. It gave the viewer a glimpse of what it must have been like to see only through one eye and not be able to control what comes into your line of vision. The viewers are privy to the inner thoughts of the protagonist, which the other characters in the film are not, which helps give more context to the story. It is beautifully and artistically filmed.

With the help of his speech therapist, he is able to "spell" out words by having her list the letters of the alphabet; he blinks his eye when she comes to the letter he wants to select. In this way he is able to laboriously spell out words, sentences and his thoughts. He eventually writes an entire book, on which the movie is based. Unfortunately, he died of pneumonia a matter of days after his book was published.

Although the story was horribly sad I found it inspiring that this man was able to live and stay sane inside his immobile body. He had 2 things which could not be taken from him: his memories and his imagination, both of which were portrayed beautifully in the movie. It demonstrated the amazing tenacity of the human spirit in the face of unbelievable adversity.

On days when I feel discouraged by some minor inconvenience or circumstance, I will try to remember this story. We do have a choice: we can give in to suffering and lose our will or we can make the most of what we have and try to rise above. If this man, who had so little left, was able to maintain his outlook and produce a critically-acclaimed book I should be able to maintain a positive attitude despite the circumstances as well. Something to strive towards!

Thoughts for the Day

Live so that you are at ease, in harmony with the world, and full of joy. - Confucius

What a simple saying, but not that easy to do! I wanted to start today with the three things I am looking forward to. I'm up early to do my treatments before a 7am yoga class that I've been attending for the past few weeks. Its not as spiritual and meditative as the class I take on Tuesdays with M, but it is an amazing way to start out the day. The second thing I'm looking forward to is going to the dentist; that probably sounds crazy, but I love having my teeth feel so fresh and clean. I'm a bit nervous about my cracked tooth (maybe they won't notice???) since we have no dental insurance at the moment, but hopefully I can put off any major work until J has a job. The third thing I'm looking forward to today is having my in-laws visit overnight. One night is perfect! Enough time to catch up and see one another but not enough to get on each other's nerves. W is also coming home to see them, it will be great to have him home for a couple nights.

Its easy to look around and see people who are better off, who don't have to deal with the same struggles and burdens, and their lives might even seem enviable. There's also another side to the coin, we are so much better off than most, we have so much: a home, our health, a family and friends who love us, enough food on the table... the list could go on infinitely.

So, back to the quote from Confucius that I started out with- my intention for the day is to live in harmony with the world be at ease and full of joy.