Desiderata

This poem was published in 1927 by Max Ehrmann as a prescription for happiness. A dear friend loaned me a book containing this poem on Friday night, amazing timing as she didn't even know of my spiritual and philosophical explorations lately. Sometimes the universe delivers exactly what you are looking for without your even asking for it. Desiderata is a Latin word meaning "things that are yearned for" and I italicized my favorite line.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter

for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;

for the w0rld is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals;

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity

and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield

you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees

and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations

in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann

Amazing Gracie

Here is little Gracie at 4 1/2 weeks old, I went to visit her last night and got some updated photos. The kittens are all out of their nest now, exploring the room and starting to play, much steadier on their feet. At this point Gracie is the smallest of the bunch, curious and very playful. She seems more interested in exploring her surroundings than cuddling or being held. I could have watched her and her litter-mates all night, they are so adorable! Towards the end of my visit they all curled up in their bed, one big jumble of feet, tails and fur and went to sleep. A couple of them were purring, but it was difficult to tell who because they were all so intertwined.

I've never adopted a kitten before, it's a lot of fun to know the actual "birthday" and age as well as being able to watch her grow from a tiny baby. My other 3 cats were adopted as adults, ages 1-3, which is wonderful because adults are harder to place (seeing the kittens I understand why!). My first cat I rescued as a baby from the mean streets of Chinatown in Boston at 1am after working an evening shift, she was a mere 5 weeks old and on her own at that point. She was feral and never truly liked being touched or cuddled and unfortunately kept her wild side all of her short life. Because of her wildness, the vet was never able to properly examine her, even though she was declawed and medicated prior to checkups. She died a young cat, at 4 years old, we were never sure of the reason, but the vet suspected a bad heart. She was a beautiful calico cat, but not an ideal pet by any stretch of the imagination, so my experience with kittens is quite limited. This is a totally different scenario, seeing Gracie with her litter mates and mom and watching her grow, then taking her home when she is old enough to leave.

My quote for today is simple, and I really don't have anything to add, so I'll end with it here:

The world is ruled by letting things take their course. - LaoTzu

Mindfulness

Our true home is in the present moment. To live in the present moment is a miracle. The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green earth in the present moment. - Thich Nhat Hanh

I've come to enjoy looking through my books in the morning and finding a quote that jumps out at me. Today I have Love Letters to the Universe open. Unlike Think Positive Thoughts Every Day, this book is filled with many amazing quotes, some so abstract I have difficulty understanding them. Whereas Think Positive is more smarmy-sweet, this book contains thought provoking quotations that reflect on the miracle of life and the creation of the universe. I have a million little sticky notes marking pages that have interesting thoughts on them. Contained in its pages are the likes of Rilke, Einstein, Rumi, Nabokov, Deepak Chopra, Camus and a smattering of quotes from the Tao Te Ching, Bagavad Gita and other sacred texts to name just a few. Clearly, this book belongs nowhere near the bathroom!

Thich Nhat Hanh's quote jumped out at me today because it reminds me of how often we expect the extraordinary from ourselves, when actually it is the simplest things that are miraculous. Imagine being able to stay in the present moment for an entire day! Even five minutes is a challenge, never mind an hour. Being able to live in the present continually is just about as likely for me as being able to walk on water. Yet, when I'm able to do it for few moments, or during a yoga class it is an amazing thing. The past and future, things our minds tend to dwell on much of the time, fall away and we are left with the here, the now, the present moment. All that wasted energy that we spend worrying, planning, ruminating can be spent on paying attention to what is going on at the time- whether it be a conversation, observing the beauty of a flower or appreciating the way the sunlight falls at this time of year. How many details we miss because our minds are so busy elsewhere!!

Mindfulness is helpful also for dealing with crisis. When a situation seems completely overwhelming and you have no idea where to begin or think you can't handle something returning to your breathing and focusing on the now is a great way to maintain control. Many things that are thrown at us in life are so difficult, but taking them one step or breath at a time can whittle them down into something we can manage. Isn't that one of the tenets of the 12-step program? One Day at a Time. How about making that an even smaller piece to bite off and chew on? One Breath at a Time.

A week or so ago I said I didn't intend to start each blog out with a quote. When I created this blog I had no idea where I was going with it but it seems to me for the time being that this is the direction I'm going to take. I enjoy starting the day off with a quote and trying to set an intention for the day. Remembering the words of Thich Nhat Hanh will be my goal for today. Rather than expecting a miracle from myself, I need to realize that the biggest miracle is to live in the present, something that is within my grasp, within every one's grasp.

This one's for you Tina!

Uncertainty

Joy is not in things, it is in us. - Robert Wagner

It is impossible to turn on the television, pick up a newspaper or have a conversation with anyone these days without the country's economic crisis taking center stage. It's impossible to escape and I think that everyone is feeling very uneasy about their financial situation at the moment. Everything costs more: food, fuel, and especially heating oil as we approach the winter here in the northeast. Paychecks haven't kept up with the rapid rise in inflation, and now on top of the increase in the cost of living, we have the threat of failing banks. Wall Street is a rollercoaster and everyday people who have invested their retirement savings are losing huge sums of money. We're lucky that we're still 20+ years away from retirement- the economy goes up and down and hopefully this trend will work itself out within the next several years. But what about those who don't have that kind of time, and have lost their nest egg?

I hate to say this, but maybe in some ways this crash will be good for our country. Certainly not in the short term, and I do feel for the people who are impacted today by the volatility. But perhaps in the long run this will be a good thing. We are a country of wasters- anyone who has ever traveled outside the United States has seen this. Gas prices rising here? Well they've been higher in Europe for many years. They have had to adapt, you don't see the huge SUVs that so many people here drive. They have been using alternative forms of energy such as wind and solar much longer, its not uncommon to see a wind farm on the horizon or a store selling solar panels for the homeowner. We need to be better about seeking alternative fuels and being more proactive about conservation. I think the economy is going to force us into it, even if our consciences haven't.

Perhaps, also, this crash will be a sort of levelling of the playing field as well. I know that not just the Wall St. bigwigs are being affected, probably the CEOs of the banks and corporations that are being bailed out will never have to worry about how they are going to pay for their oil bill, or decide which is more important: groceries or their medication. But hopefully it will slim down the margain between the haves and the have-nots and force us to look at our spending habits and what is meaningful to us.

J and I have lived frugally for so many years. When we read the tips that are now appearing online, in magazines and newspapers on how to save costs we just shake our heads and say "we already do all that!" We have become masters at conservation and frugality. Can we trim a bit more from our budget? Of course, there is always room for improvement, but over the years we have learned to be very responsible financially- due in large part to my being disabled and not working. Now that J is between jobs we need to be even more cautious. But maybe in proportion we aren't as badly off because everyone else is struggling now as well.

This brings me back to my original quote: that happiness is not in things, but in ourselves. I'm hoping that this difficult economic time will help us, as a country, get away from the consumerism and "he who dies with the most toys wins" mentality and more in touch with our spiritual side. Things can't make you happy. Can they make life more comfortable? You bet! But if you do a bit of soul-searching and make a list of priorities and what is important to you in life, I'll wager that it is the simple things that top the list: family, friends, a crisp, sunny fall day, apple pie baking in the oven. Yes, we need money to pay our bills and put food on the table, but true happiness comes from within, from us doing the things we love and that give us a sense of wholeness. Once our basic needs have been met, everything else is icing on the cake. Here's to the simple life!

A Year Ago

Exactly one year ago today I was out with Joe and my sister-in-law and her family at the little Italian Cafe down the street. Its a BYO restaurant with great food, we brought a couple bottles of wine and I was imbibing freely before the meal arrived and by the time we started eating had quite a buzz on. Towards the end of the meal my cell phone rang, it was one of my closest friends who was awaiting a life-saving lung transplant. When I saw the caller I froze and couldn't answer the phone, I handed it to Joe. What a weird reaction! This friend calls frequently and I had no reason to think this call would be any different; however, I had a feeling (maybe because I was a bit drunk) that this was "the call".

Joe spoke to P briefly, told him we were out to dinner and that I'd call him back shortly. P had gotten the call for a set of lungs! I immediately burst into tears, walked outside the restaurant and called him back. I proceeded to sob throughout the call, knowing full well what this meant. He was about to go into a huge operation, one that would hopefully save his life, but that there was a chance that this would be the last time we were talking to one another. He had bestowed upon me the honor of being the Director of Communications, the person who would email everyone to save his immediate family from fielding calls and emails so they could concentrate on P. I promised him I'd keep everyone up to date, stay in close touch with his mom and he cheerfully promised he'd "see me on the other side". I sobbed throughout the entire conversati0n, all the way home from the restaurant and then for another good half hour, alone, in the back yard once we got home. I'm sure the wine had a good bit to do with my emotional reaction, but it was such a huge moment, one this friend had been waiting for for a long time. There had been one false alarm, some people encounter many. I had a good feeling about this, though, and was just so happy/worried/excited/scared and overwhelmed at the thought of his going into surgery.

The actual transplant took place on the 8th, by the time they got him to the hospital and prepared for surgery. The operation itself was quite long and there were some serious complications immediately postop that necessitated another trip back into the operating room. Amazingly, I was able to travel to Pittsburgh two and a half weeks later to see him, while he was still in the hospital. It was an amazing site: his color was no longer gray, he had pink lips and nail beds and his complexion was downright rosy! Truly a miracle. The past year hasn't been an easy one, frought with complications, medical procedures and fighting the system for follow-up. He has maintained is dignity and wry sense of humor throughout, something that hardly seems possible, but he's pulled it off. My hat goes off to this brave and incredible man, whom I am proud to call a very dear friend.

A year ago it was, and its going to be on my mind tonight and tomorrow. A toast to you, P!

What's Cuter than a Kitten?

What's cuter than a kitten? How about five????

My friend Joyce is fostering a stray mom cat who gave birth to a litter of 5 kittens. They're 3 1/2 weeks old now and absolutely adorable, just starting to totter around on wobbly legs. I'm going to be bringing the gray and white one home in 4 weeks, when she's old enough. Meet Gracie, the latest addition to our family!

This is probably the worst time imaginable to be taking in a kitten; there are numerous expenses associated with a new pet- shots, neutering and checkups. We're also going to visit J's family for Thanksgiving, which, by my estimation will probably be just a week after we bring Gracie home. I hate the thought of her being alone for 4 days so soon after moving in with us, but hopefully she won't be too traumatized by it.

I realize that this is pretty cliche.... only child goes off to college and empty-nester mom adopts a new kitten. Well, so what if it is a cliche? Is it anything to be ashamed of? Its true I miss Wilson, but I'm not pining away for him or anything... I've had plenty to keep me busy since he left home. And he's been home almost once a week, for goodness sake! The timing seems to make sense: I have more freedom with W not at home, we lost Benji back in March, and Charlotte (bless her heart!) is 17 and I'm not sure how much longer she'll be with us. Plus, I just really like cats.

I'm not sure how Gomer will react to Gracie, I'm hoping that because she's a kitten he'll be a bit curious and not threatened by her. I don't expect them to be buddies like he and Benji were, but hopefully there won't be any fights. Unless Gracie goes up into my bedroom I doubt Charlotte will even know she's here, as she mostly just sleeps her days away in comfort on my bed. She's happy enough and doesn't seem to need to do more than eat, sleep and use the litterbox. Her interest in what goes on in the rest of the house is nil at this point so hopefully Gracie won't be a problem.

So soon we'll be back up to 3 cats, who knows for how long, but I plan to thoroughly enjoy the time I have with them. If only pets lived as long as we do!

Bathroom Reading and Attitude

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. - William Shakespeare

I don't intend to start off each blog entry with a quote but for the past couple days I've been looking through a book called Think Positive Thoughts Every Day. Its one of those "bathroom books" with quotes and poems that are supposed to help you live a happier life. I came across it while at Borders, shortly after S's husband was fired from his job and admitted to rehab; it seemed like a perfect thing to send her to help her get through a very difficult time. It was on the bargain table, only $4 or so, so I figured I'd get one for myself as well so we could read it together. Much of it is so sickly-sweet, sunshine-up-your-butt, smarmy that its all I can do not to gag- but there are some quotes I like as evidenced by the past couple blogs I've written.

A big part of the way we react to situations depends upon our outlook at the moment. A bad mood can make the driver that cuts you off in traffic seem inherently evil, when in fact the person is just trying to change lanes and the spot in front of you happened to be the place he chose to do it. Nothing personal. But its easy when you are seeing things in a negative light to take it personally and feel like he did it just to spite you and get ahead of you. The bastard!

When you're in a more peaceful mood or having a better day its so much easier to let it slide off your back. Maybe there's a great song on the radio, or you're looking forward to something later in the day- hey, so someone cuts you off... no biggie! Its amazing how the way we are feeling can color a situation.

I guess that brings me back to the original Shakespeare quote: nothing in life is really good or bad, but its our outlook, attitude and views on it that makes it seem that way to us. Its all in our perception!

Sure, there are some events in which its nearly impossible to find any good- hurricane Katrina or the Tsunami in Indonesia come to mind. Natural disasters of huge proportions. Nature is indifferent, weather happens and its part of the natural order of things in the universe. Its so difficult to look at it from the human perspective and not see it as negative... the suffering, lives, homes, businesses lost...but in reality its just part of the way things work. Nothing personal.

There is a story, for the life of me I can't remember where I read it......... there was a wise man in a Chinese village who refused to judge events. Villagers would come to him with situations and ask him what he thought... "maybe its good, maybe its bad, maybe its neither" was his reply.

A farmer was busy with his crops in the field when his only son broke his leg and was unable to help with the harvest. The farmer went to the wise man and bemoaned his fate. The sage gave his usual reply, which frustrated the farmer - until several days later when the army came through the village and took all the able bodied young men to fight in a war. Because of his son's broken leg, he was spared. So out of a "bad" situation came a "good" outcome. Did that make the broken leg a good thing?

There is nothing that is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

Thoughts for the Day

Live so that you are at ease, in harmony with the world, and full of joy. - Confucius

What a simple saying, but not that easy to do! I wanted to start today with the three things I am looking forward to. I'm up early to do my treatments before a 7am yoga class that I've been attending for the past few weeks. Its not as spiritual and meditative as the class I take on Tuesdays with M, but it is an amazing way to start out the day. The second thing I'm looking forward to is going to the dentist; that probably sounds crazy, but I love having my teeth feel so fresh and clean. I'm a bit nervous about my cracked tooth (maybe they won't notice???) since we have no dental insurance at the moment, but hopefully I can put off any major work until J has a job. The third thing I'm looking forward to today is having my in-laws visit overnight. One night is perfect! Enough time to catch up and see one another but not enough to get on each other's nerves. W is also coming home to see them, it will be great to have him home for a couple nights.

Its easy to look around and see people who are better off, who don't have to deal with the same struggles and burdens, and their lives might even seem enviable. There's also another side to the coin, we are so much better off than most, we have so much: a home, our health, a family and friends who love us, enough food on the table... the list could go on infinitely.

So, back to the quote from Confucius that I started out with- my intention for the day is to live in harmony with the world be at ease and full of joy.

Gratitude

I'm going to try to start and end each day thinking about three positive things. In the morning I'll start with things I'm looking forward to that day. They could be as simple as enjoying a cup of coffee outside, listening to the birds, or maybe some retail therapy or getting together with a friend. Each day has hundreds of moments that we could be appreciating, but are often too busy. The yoga class I'm taking on Tuesdays with Mary has a wonderful teacher. She emphasizes mindfulness, being in the moment and appreciating the present. I'm working towards being more conscious of those things.

At the end of the day I'd like to reflect on three things that I'm thankful for. We really are so blessed, though that sounds trite and corny, but compared to so many other cultures and countries, we have SO much. I think much of the time we are on auto pilot, too busy to think about what we have and notice what is around us. Work consumes us, we are always rushing from one task to the next, trying to fit everything in... mindfulness is about slowing down, enjoying the process and living in the moment.

Today I had a luxurious haircut with my stylist, whom I adore. He makes me laugh but is also quite serious at times and we can discuss just about anything under the sun. He has a lot of self-awareness. I also had a wonderful visit with an old friend, whom I've known for 20+ years. We had coffee and talked about our families, mutual friends and how nice it is to have such a long history together. It was great to see him and we made a vow to get together for dinner with our spouses soon. In about a half an hour a friend is coming by with a peony that her mom has divided... apparently, its been in the family for a long time and is quite a special one. I'm honored not only to have her friendship, but now to have a reminder of her in my garden! I can think of many more things that I'm thankful for today, but those were the first to come to mind. How lucky to have so many things to be grateful for!

Brand New Day

Monday mornings, who likes them? When I was working I always dreaded Fridays, not because I loved my job so much, but because I worked on Saturday and Sunday. Sunday night was a huge relief...aaah, another 5 days off. Fridays? The knot in my stomach and the sinking feeling that I had to go in to work for the next couple days. Now that I'm no longer employed outside the home (how politically correct!) and that J is home, one day sort of blends in to the next. The only way I know its a weekend or not is if we get together with friends who work full time.

Last night we got together with 2 of our best friends and had a wonderful fall dinner. Spicy-rubbed pork, roasted rosemary and olive oil potatoes and fresh veggies from the farmer's market. A delicious meal capped off with steaming mugs of tea and a hot, right-out-of-the-0ven apple crisp with melting vanilla ice cream. It was a perfect evening, good food, good conversation and a great way to end the week.

Maybe that is why I'm starting off this new week with a more positive feeling? Or perhaps its that there are quite a few things scheduled this week.. doctor, dentist and hair appointments, J's parents are coming to stay for a night and W will be home to see them. The house is organized, tidy and clean with fresh paint everywhere. We've cleaned out a lot of crap and are paring down to the things that are meaningful and essential. I consider this one small step in the direction of how I want to live my life: more simply. Cutting out the clutter and doing what makes me feel good. I'm not talking pure hedonism here, but more to the point of living out my values. That definitely makes me feel good. As the saying goes: Do what you like, like what you do.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

The home improvements are winding down, I'm amazed at how much J and I have gotten done. Not only is there fresh paint throughout, there is also a new sense of organization. Lots of clutter has been removed and it feels good. J likes to joke that he is a "collector of shit"... which is true! The basement was filled with useless odds and ends and broken things, which he thought might be of use someday. After years of just storing these treasures he has cleaned them out and tossed them into the trash. There's something cathartic about getting rid of old junk! I'm trying to do the same, going through closets and drawers and getting rid of things we haven't used in years.

There is also some mental housecleaning going on at the same time, my moods have been labile and I'm trying to figure out where I'm going from here. There have been numerous changes in the past year: Wilson's departure from home, J's leaving his job and being around the house full time, my mom's declining heath and the loss of a beloved pet. I'm not one to dwell on the glass being half-empty, but on the stress-o-meter all these things have added up. On top of all the aforementioned stressors our trip this summer further complicated matters. Clearly, there is more housecleaning to do!

In order to help figure out the direction of my life I made a list of the things that were most imp0rtant to me. My family, friends, community, home, garden, pets all came to mind immediately. So what makes me happy? I know I do well with routine, always have. A good balance between time alone and time with others. Feeling needed, useful, contributing in some way. Work is out of the question because of the time required to maintain my health. So how to contribute and maintain my self-esteem while still allowing enough time to take care of myself? I know the answer lies somewhere in the lists of what is important to me and what makes me happy. Obviously, Wlson and my marriage are priorities, but after that things get a bit fuzzy. I know there will be a bit of trial and error over the next few months, hopefully with introspection I'll be able to figure out a formula that will work for me and my family. Life is full of ups and downs, this happens to be a down time (or a "valley" as S and I like to say!) but I have no doubt that after the effort of climbing the hill the view from the next peak is going to be spectacular.

Fall Weekend

Autumn is an interesting time of year for me. There is always a sense of wrapping up: the carefree days of summer are over, school is back in session, back to schedules and responsibilities. The garden is winding down, plants are preparing to go dormant and the birds and small animals are all busy preparing for the season ahead.

Yet there is also a sense of new beginning - maybe I was Jewish in a past life? The fall schedule allows one an opportunity to get into a new routine, start new projects indoors, and for some reason I've always felt compelled to clean and organize the house at this time of year. Spring is so busy with things needing to be done out in the gardens; at this time of year the yard is pretty much on auto-pilot, allowing for my focus to shift to the inside of the house.

This fall has been no different, except that now Wilson is away at college. There is less of a schedule, his comings and goings were the bookends to my days: getting up early in the morning to do my treatments and have breakfast with him, sitting down for a cup of tea and a snack in the afternoon when he gets home from school, preparing dinner while he did his homework in the kitchen. Those markers are now gone, allowing me greater flexibility in my days but also a sense of openness and emptiness.

This year I started soon after he moved into the dorms, removing the dated border from his room, repairing the holes in the walls and painting. Sewing curtains, finally! His room looks great, tidy and organized. We've moved on to do the trim in the bathroom, our room and now are using up the paint on the 3-season porch. Funny how one project leads to another!

I'm aware that this is partially my fall behavior of working around the house, but also partly a coping mechanism to keep busy and avoid the fact that the house has a different feel to it and a different rythm now that he is gone. From time to time I do worry what will happen when I've run out of projects around the house (though to be honest, that probably won't happen for quite some time!) Eventually, I'll tire of the projects and need to spend more time on introspection, but for now I guess things are evolving just as they should. One day at a time!

The Obama Mamas

I stole the title of this blog from Brian, Mary's husband, who texted her from his board retreat to ask how the "Obama mamas" were doing at the political rally. He's a witty one, that Brian!

Yesterday 3 girlfriends and I all piled into Mary's Vibe and headed north to Manchester, NH to hear Barack Obama speak. It was an early morning, especially considering the fact that we had been together the evening before- drinking wine, eating yummy Chinese food and making beaded goddess ornaments. After a stop at the drive-through Dunkin' Donuts for coffee and several powdered munchkins (for Chelle) we were awake, chatty and on our way.

We made it up to Manchester by 9 with Chelle navigating and Mary at the wheel, all while we were carrying on various conversations. Not an easy task! The car was parked safely in the garage and we set off to find the end of the line of people who were waiting to be screened and let into the area where Obama was to speak. It was exciting to be part of something where everyone was enthusiastic! The line stretched around 3 sides of a large city block, yet people were all cheerful, friendly and talkative, despite the heat and sun. No shoving, pushing or justling for position. There were various vendors selling $5 buttons and $10 tshirts, all promoting Obama.

We finally made it through the bag screen and metal detectors and worked out way into the crowd. We found a good place to take in the speakers: the opener was a minister who was then followed by a veteran, a campaign volunteer and then a couple other people I don't remember. (Mary and I had to take a bathroom break and the line at the porta-potties was long)

Finally Obama came out and spoke for about 35 minutes. He was a bit subdued in the beginning but then seemed to find his stride and got more energized and fired up. He did some McCain/Palin bashing as well as compared their stances on various issues. The crowd was very enthusiastic, clapping and cheering regularly. It was warm, standing in a tightly packed crowd with the sun alternating with clouds, I could feel the sweat trickling down my back, but the speach was good enough that it kept my mind off the discomfort. It was exciting to be amongst so many other like-minded people who all want the same thing: a change in our government to one that actually represents the people.

After the rally was over we walked around downtown Manchester and found a nice barbecue place to have lunch. Surprisingly, many of the restaurants were closed, appearing to be open only during the week. We were happy with our lunch choice, however, and everyone enjoyed their barbecue; we left stuffed and happy.

The ride home was just as wonderful as the rest of the day. I am so blessed to have such supportive, caring and honest friends. Its quite something to feel so comfortable with a group (especally for me- never have i been a group person!): friends who you know will be honest with you, challenge you and will give you their opinions in a loving and supportive way. I don't know what I'd do without this group of women friends.

The Obama rally was a great experience, however, the highlight of the day was truly the time with these extaordinary women.

Cystic Fibrosis, Continued.

I've been very fortunate in that I lived a relatively normal life until I was 32. I graduated from college, had a job in Boston, got married, had a child and bought a house - all well before the age of 30! I was convinced that I was one of the lucky ones and that my attitude would carry me through life without having to deal with many health problems.

I hit the skids when I was 30 or 31, but was able to continue on working, being a mom and doing just about whatever I wanted to do, despite feeling pretty crappy. You can only ignore your health for so long before your body gives out... mine was finally fed up with being abused and I wound up in the hospital for 3 weeks and on intervenous antibiotics for 6 months. I had let myself get very, very sick. Denial is a beautiful thing!! This was a huge wakeup call. When I was discharged from the hospital my mom had to come live with us because I was unable to take care of myself and my son. This was quite a change for someone who was used to being very independent! I had to start doing airway clearance, taking IV medications every 6 hours and needed to rehab myself back to some level of physical activity. I began exercising. Eating really well. Making sure I got enough sleep. Being completely compliant with my treatments. And you know what? I actually got better. It worked! It was amazing to see that the changes I made in my lifestyle actually had a positive impact.

The social worker at the hospital convinced me that I needed to apply for disability, which I did, convinced that I would be denied. I took a 6 month leave of absence from work, knowing that I needed to give myself time to get better before I returned. I was amazed when I was approved for disability and decided (with the help of the social worker) that I would not return to work and would make my health a priority. I've never been sorry that I made that choice.

Sometimes it is hard, not working. After all, our culture is based on materialism, income, and nearly everyone else works. Its hard not having that in common with people. It can be awkward when I meet new people, when they invariably ask "what do you do for work?". I've come up with some flip answers to deflect the question, but it never really erases my uneasiness at being different.

I suppose its unrealistic to think that CF would NOT impact my life in just about every area: it does just that. Every decision has that factored in to the equation, making things that much more complex. I'm not complaining, there's no point, its my reality and I need to deal with it when things come up. Just one more speedbump in the road of life.

Cystic Fibrosis

Heavy topic, this. I guess a little background is necessary to put things in context: Cystic fibrosis is a chronic, genetic disease that affects approximately 30,000 Americans. It is primarily found amongst those of western European descent. Although there are exceptions, most people are diagnosed at birth or shortly thereafter due to classic symptoms, such as meconium ileus (intestinal blockage) or respiratory symptoms.

Some sobering facts and figures: One in 25 people carry the gene to pass cystic fibrosis on to their offspring. Because it is autosomal recessive both parents need to have a copy of the defective gene and then there is a one in four chance that their child will have CF. According to the CFF the average lifespan of a patient with CF is 37 years and some change at this time, which is a dramatic improvement in the past 20 years. When I was diagnosed in 1984 I was told the average lifespan was 20.

My experience with CF has been far from classic. I was healthy at birth, no digestive symptoms at all and I didn't have any respiratory issues until I was about 10. Its hard to pinpoint exactly when the chronic cough started, but I really don't remember a time when I didn't cough after laughing or physical exertion. Numerous visits to the doctor didn't reveal much other than a series of diagnoses that never really seemed to fit 100%. Asthma, chronic bronchitis, chronic sinusitis, hyperthryoid and even hypochondriasis. Because I didn't fit the classic picture, CF never entered anyone's mind. I became so sick over the course of my teenage years, complete with hemoptysis (coughing up blood), weight loss and severe shortness of breath that someone finally took me seriously. I was diagnosed with some unusual bacterial infections in my lungs and from there a sweat test (the test for CF at the time) was performed. We were all completely stunned when 3 of them came back positive. Whew, a shocker to be sure, but at least we had an answer... one that made sense!!!

To be continued...