I Really Love This Part

Finally, finally about a month after the last cold symptoms disappeared I'm seeing some progress in the right direction. I have been increasing the time I'm using the incline on the treadmill by 5 minutes a day; I was at 6 minutes per session last week and now am up to 20 minutes as of today. I hope to be up to the full 30 minutes by the middle of next week, just in time for my exercise tolerance test at MGH. Hopefully if the weather is nice this weekend we'll be taking some long walks outside, which will help with my endurance.

I was doing so well last spring and early summer, easily in the best shape I'd ever been in. I had an exercise tolerance test last March and was in a pulmonary rehab program to maximize my abilities. My lungs will unfortunately never get any better, but I can strengthen my muscles and improve my endurance, which will give me greater functional ability, allow me to exercise well and in turn help to keep my lungs as healthy as possible. I felt great- strong, vibrant and healthy. Then with the trip to Ireland, no vest or bipap due to our converter not working properly and everything sort of slipped away from me.

After many fits and starts, some IV antibiotics in January, followed by the setback of the most recent cold, I'm finally getting some endurance back. The downhill slide is quite depressing; the not knowing how long it will last and when, exactly, it will stop. The lack of control, lack of energy and lack of ability to do anything about it. You can only wait and once things have leveled off, again begin the long process of rehabbing. Starting again at square one can be so daunting and quite frankly discouraging. But once a bit of progress is being made there is a boost and it becomes easier -actually enjoyable- to exercise.

When I'm not feeling well and attempt to exercise (as the docs and PTs tell me I need to do- easy for them to say!) I feel worn out and exhausted afterwards, even when not exercising to my full capacity. So depressing. But when things are on the upswing, after about 15 minutes of exercise, I get the proverbial endorphin rush: suddenly it becomes easier. It feels like weights have been removed from my ankles and my chest releases. Breathing is smoother and less of an effort. It almost feels like I could break into a jog, or maybe even fly. Gotta love those endorphins!

I know that it's important to enjoy all parts of life, both the good and the bad. To the extent I can, I do try to. But it's so much easier to love this part, when exercise is easy and a pleasure; when it feels good; and when I can see some progress from day to day. And especially when I have enough energy to enjoy my day. Results, at last.

Trying Something New

Yesterday I bought some wonderful-looking seeds for "black beauty" eggplants,-a small fruited eggplant that only grows about as big as your fist (which I guess could vary quite a bit, depending on the size of your hand!)

I had prepared the seed starting pots last weekend and gave them a few days to absorb all the moisture and settle down before planting the seeds. I had already picked up tomato, bush bean, zucchini, and broccoli seeds a few weeks earlier. All the pots were dutifully labeled and I started 5 pots of each type of seed, so if a few don't make it I'll still have a couple. Millie, who enjoys taking the outer mesh off of the peat pots, is doing her utmost to undo my hard work. I had to shut the seed starting trays in the spare bedroom to prevent her from wreaking havoc with them.

I wish I had enough space for a proper veggie garden; as it is I'm going to try growing most things in pots, or maybe a few in the ground mixed in amongst the shrubs and flowers: A true cottage garden! I've had the soil tested and there isn't any evidence of lead, which is good, but I still worry about the neighbors on either side, whom I know aren't organic, and I don't know what sort of things they throw down on their properties. One of the drawbacks to being so close together in our community!

I'd like to get some photos of the seed trays to document the process, if for no other reason than future reference. It's exciting to be trying something new and different. No doubt there will be some failures mixed in with the successes; trial and error is the best teacher as far as I'm concerned. I'm excited to grow some of our own food and will see what works and what doesn't so I can plan for next year. Gardening is all about patience.

My Spiritual Practice

I had lunch with a good friend today whom I consider to be a very spiritual person. She is, after all, a religious education director at a church in Brookline. What I enjoy about her is that it's not just about the "church stuff" and that she makes me think, though sometimes it's easier not to!

I'm Not a Photographer

I'm not a photographer, nor do I play one on TV. I do find it fun to play around with the camera in the garden and around the house though I'm completely aware of my lack of talent in the picture -taking department. Once in a while I do get lucky and a photo comes out well, unfortunatley through no composition or planning on my part. Thank goodness for digital cameras, it's so easy to delete all the shots that aren't quite up to par.

Yesterday I brought the camera out into the gardens. Other than a few crocus and snowdrops that are beginning to poke up the yard is definitely devoid of any color and not a very rewarding place to take pictures. I do enjoy documenting the changes from week to week as things really start taking off though it's going to be another month before the changes are very apparent. The kittens make great subjects (when they hold still long enough). Since Millie and Gracie are going to be indoor cats I don't have the opportunity to photograph them outside, but Benji and Gomer were always willing subjects as they lazed around the gardens, under shrubs and amongst the perennials.

I've been trying to get some nice photos of my soaps lately; here my lack of skill with the camera is pretty evident. I feel like the pictures look very contrived and artificial. Maybe I'd have more luck with them outside in a more natural environment? I seem to be leaning in that direction with the props I've been using - the stone birds and beach rocks. I suppose like anything else it takes practice. I think I know what I'll be doing today!

Getting Big

I've been quite remiss in posting photos of the kittens lately. The fact of the matter is that we have a new camera and I've yet to figure out how to use it well, or how to upload the photos onto my laptop! It's just a matter of sitting down for an hour or so and figuring it out, but I haven't made time for it until today.

I finally got out the instruction booklet and did a bit of reading then snapped a few photos of the kittens. They are amazingly cooperative about being photographed, until one of them notices the dangling camera cord (why on earth did I put that on?) and decides that is much more interesting than sitting and posing for a picture.

They both love to sit in the kitchen window because they can see the bird feeder from there and sometimes, to their delight, a bird will actually whiz by the window, giving them a real closeup. It's quite a jump from the floor, easily 6 times their height and the sill is relatively narrow, but they manage it quite gracefully. Gone is the clumsiness of kittenhood! They are just a bit more than 6 months old now and I wonder how much bigger they will get.

Anticipation

The title of this post makes me thing of the Heinz ketchup advertisements from the 70's: a family sitting 'round the dinner table waiting for the ketchup to come out of the bottle. I'm not waiting on a condiment, though, I'm so anxious for spring. Today was my first day out in the yard, it was probably only 50 degrees but the sun was bright and it felt glorious. I stuck to the south side of the house so I was plenty warm and even worked up a bit of a sweat with my labors.

I was able to entirely clear the one side of the garden of all the old leaves and twigs that found their way there over the winter. Unfortunately, I couldn't remove the evergreen arrangements from the containers as the soil inside is still frozen and they were stuck fast. Hopefully within a few days things will thaw out and I'll be able to get rid of them, they're looking a bit worse for the wear and I'm ready to see color. Bulbs. Spring flowers.

If tomorrow is as warm as today I'll work on clearing the front flower beds. I left quite a few perennials standing for winter interest last fall so need to do quite a bit of work, cutting them back and getting rid of the debris, but at this time of year it's absolutely welcome- any excuse to be outside is wonderful. Welcome spring!

Who Said it's Not Easy Being Green?

Anyone who has been around in the latter part of the last century will know it was Kermit the Frog who used to sing "It's Not Easy Being Green". I'm told by my musical guru (Joe) that Van Morrison also did a version of the song, though I've never heard it. Back in the '70's Kermit was referring to the fact that it wasn't easy to be a different color, "green" now has another meaning: being environmentally friendly.

Living in a green manner has always been a priority of mine, even back before it was stylish. I'm not claiming to be a trend-setter, it had more to do with the fact that it just didn't make sense to me to throw things away, to have them sitting in a landfill, when I knew they could be reused. Before curbside recycling was available I'd dutifully collect cans, plastic and newspapers and drive them to the recycling center in Lynn, Wilson as a toddler in tow. How much easier it is now to just set a couple bins out at the curb every other week! It blows my mind that there are still people who find that to be too much trouble.

It could be argued that what one person does won't make much difference to the planet as a whole. Whether or not I add a few cans or plastic jugs to a landfill each month, or toss the laundry in the drier won't alter the track of global warming, certainly. It would be simpler to throw worn out batteries and CFL bulbs into the trash rather than collecting them and bringing to the recycling center; yet in reality, it only takes a few moments to drop them off at the store where we would be shopping anyway. It adds and extra step and I need to remember to bring them when I go. I think a lot of it is to do with getting into the habit. There was a time when I never would have remembered to bring my own bags to the store with me, now it's as natural as grabbing my coat or car keys.

Do the actions of one person make difference? Maybe, maybe not. What is important is that I'm living in accordance with my values. When enough people are of the same mindset that is when we will see some change.

One of those Days

You know when you have a day when everything just seems to go wrong, no matter how well you've planned for it? Well today was one of those days for me. I'm not usually one to rant or whine, but I think today is definitely rant-worthy, if for no other reason than to look back onl later with amusement.

I had a doctor's appointment in Boston at 9:30, usually a 3o minute ride, but I thought since we had a foot of snow yesterday and it was at rush hour that I'd give it a bit of extra time. I left the house at 8, allowing myself a good hour and a half, and within minutes found that traffic was at a dead stop. It took me an hour to drive what would have normally taken me 15 minutes.

I thought I was extremely clever in coming up with a plan B: I'd park my car and take the T into Boston. Yes! Apparently a few other people had the same idea. When I pulled into the parking lot the attendant informed me that he didn't have any space left and there wasn't any to be had at any of the other parking areas either. Wonderful!

I thought I was very resourceful when I found a parking lot designated for patients parking at the MGH in Chelsea. A minor technicality that I was going to be a MGH patient in Boston. I snagged a spot and walked to the T stop, paid my fare and waited for the train.

Guilt began eating at me; what if my car was towed? That would be a whopping fine. Ok, I'll leave the station, forfeit my fair, move my car and find a spot that is legal. I drove around for a bit and found a 2 hour meter on the street, plugged the meter and headed in the direction I thought was the T station. Found the station, paid my fare (again!) and got on the train. By now it's 9:15; my appointment is in 15 minutes. Even if I catch the 2 connecting trains immediately there is no way I'm going to be on time.

I call the office from the train and let them know I'm going to be a bit late; should I reschedule? After waiting on hold the answer was yes. Ok, so I get off the train, reverse direction and hope I can find my car on the side street whose name I no longer remember.

After a few wrong turns I did eventually find my car. No matter that it was only 22 degrees out with a wind chill in the single digits. I had my heated seat and thoroughly enjoyed the ride home. The rest of the day turned out to be quite like the first few hours with nothing going smoothly. To add insult to injury I ended up missing my afternoon yoga class (which I had been looking forward to even more than usual) because the furnace tech, who was scheduled to show up between 1-4, didn't appear until 4:30, which incidentally was the time I had to leave.

Thankfully days like this don't happen that often and when they do I can laugh about them (albeit after a hefty glass of red!) Looking back on the events they actually seem comical, but maybe that's just the wine talking. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.

Sign of the Times

I'm probably the furthest thing from a financial wizard or economist, but it would take a lot to be able to ignore the latest news of the stock markets: the DJIA is down below 7,ooo for the first time in almost 10 years. It seems like the global economy is in a free-fall and I don't think anyone knows when it will stop. This is such a clear illustration of how we are all interconnected financially; we all depend upon each other. When will we realize that we are all responsible for each other's wellbeing as well? What happens in one corner of the world affects us all, whether it be financial, famine, civil war or genocide.

Despite all the dire financial and economic predictions, I'm not feeling that panicky about our own situation, probably because of Joe's new job. I don't worry that he's dispensible for this company. He's setting up procedures and policies that they've needed for quite some time, which will ensure the safety and quality of their product. After what happened with the peanut butter supplier everyone is quite aware of just how important that aspect of production is. So we're lucky that he is employed and not worried about the stability of his job.

Another reason I'm not as concerned as I might be is that during the year of his unemployment we learned many ways to economize. I hadn't realised how wasteful we used to be! Sure, we have always been fairly careful, but there is always room for improvement. We've discovered the difference between want and need. We have found ways to repurpose or recycle items so that even if we can't use something we can give it to someone who can. We've also taken things off other people's hands that they no longer want, saving ourselves the expense and the other person from tossing something into the landfill.

I guess you never truly know how little you can get by on until you have to: necessity is the mother of invention and all that. The lesson I'm taking from the times is that we're all stronger than we think; we don't need as much as we think we do and finally, it isn't the freedom money gives you that makes you happy- it's the freedom from wanting what you can't have.

Simple Living

One of the things I'm exploring at this point in my life is how to live simply. With Joe out of work for a year it was a great opportunity to practice non-consumerism. How amazing it would be if we could continue that way of life now that he is working again! Of course, we have some catch-up to do; things that need to be repaired or purchases we put off until he was employed again. Once we are caught up I'm hoping we can find some happy medium - not completely abstain from purchases, but consider carefully before buying.

So here I am, 44 years old, an empty nester, trying to figure out where to go from here. I truly am living the life I want to lead, I don't think I'd change a thing. Wilson is happy at school, has a wonderful group of friends is and blossoming as a person. Joe has a good job that seems to be a nice combination of challenging and stimulating. The company he's working for is a good fit for him: they appreciate loyalty and focus on quality, two of his biggest strengths. We have a home which is perfect for us: small, cozy and simple with a pretty yard that I enjoy working in. I have the time to do the things that are important to me: cooking from scratch, spending time with family and friends, pursuing my interests and learning more about living sustainably and in an environmentally friendly manner. We have 4 sweet cats that are great company and an endless source of entertainment.

Sometimes I forget or take for granted how lucky I am to be living a life that is perfectly in sync with my values. We might not have high-powered jobs or be the richest people on the street, but I'm willing to bet that there isn't anyone who is more fortunate in the most important ways.

One of the Ten Keys to Happiness

Accept what comes to you totally and completely so that you can appreciate it, learn from it, and then let it go. - Deepak Chopra

This was the quote I had started my lost blog with. I found it in a book that I gave to Sue while I was visiting her in AZ and for some reason it jumped off the page at me. When I lost the blog I lost the quote and had to do a search for it. I googled Deepak Chopra; there were hundreds of sites that came up with quotes of wisdom from him, but this one wasn't at the top of the list. So I decided to type in what I remembered of the quote and up popped an article by Deepak discussing the 10 keys to happiness. Isn't google amazing? Right smack in the middle of the article was the quote I had been looking for.

I won't try to recreate the blog again. As frustrated as I was by the loss of those thoughts and typing I'm glad I didn't dwell on it; that's exactly what the quote advises. Just accept what happens, take what you can from the experience (now I hit the 'save now' button much more frequently!) and then let it go. Although, I suppose if I had truly let it go, I would never have mentioned it again...

I gained from the experience in that if I hadn't had to search the web for the lost quote I never would have stumbled upon the article by Mr. Chopra that I'm looking forward to reading. Each event allows us the opportunity to learn, no matter how big or small, and that is something I'm going to try to keep in mind.

Open and Accepting

I had a post all written out a few days ago but when I hit "publish post" for some strange reason I got an error message and it disappeared. Ugh, the computer ate my homework! I was frustrated and decided to leave it for a bit, rewrite it when I was in a better frame of mind, though never got back to it. Maybe that one was never meant to be published!

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to where my life is supposed to go from here. I am feeling very contented and happy with the way things are now, but know that nothing is static and that that I need to be open to change.Not to force it, but just to be able to accept and go with it when it does present itself.

A friend recently told me that she had seen an interview with a man who was an impressive 112 years old. The one thing he offered up as advice from his life experience was to be open to change. I figure if that was the single most important thing someone that age wanted to impart on others, then I'd best take note of his wisdom.

So often we spend our energy fighting against the way things are, our reality. Wouldn't it be better if we could just accept those things we can't change? (I'm reminded of the Serenity Prayer, it's not just for AA anymore!) We don't have to like everything that happens to us or our circumstances, but if there isn't anything we can do about them, why not just accept it? It's taken me nearly 44 years to figure that one out! Better late than never, I suppose.

The other side of that coin is that I need to be able to be open to change when it comes my way. For most of my life I have been tentative, never taking risks, going out on a limb or trying anything risky. I'm a creature of habit and much happier in my comfortable routine. Now, in the throes of my midlife crisis, I'm seeing all these different paths that I could take. Will I stay on the safe, familiar route? Or perhaps take a direction I have never tried before?

I'm actually excited by the possibilities, which I take as a good sign. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy things as they are, try to be accepting of what I can't change and open to new opportunities.

Meet the Buckets

There is an English show on PBS called Keeping Up Appearances that Joe likes to watch. It's a typical English comedy; subtle, dry humor based on the quirks of the characters. In this show there is a woman named Mrs. Bucket, who, because she puts on airs, pronounces her last name "bouquet". Bouquet certainly sounds much more classy than bucket.

We've been calling the kittens "the bucket-heads" since they came back from their spaying on Wednesday; they're wearing Elizabethan collars, which resemble little buckets. It's much easier to say "bucket" than "Elizabethan collar".

Millie has been cleverly getting hers off every couple hours; Gracie has yet to be so lucky. I figure as long as Millie leaves her sutures alone I'll leave it off during the day and give her a break. It's hard for them to run and play with the buckets on. Even eating and drinking are a bit more tricky and they end up getting food all over the place and spilling their water. I can't imagine 10 days of this until they get their stitches out, but I suppose they'll get used to it.

They've already become much more adept at getting around with them on. The first few hours they were home were spent crashing into things and getting caught behind the furniture. Last night as we lay in bed we could hear a lot of clunking around as they tried to navigate the spaces they usually have no problems fitting into. I'm sure they're wondering what on earth we're doing this to them for, and on top of it all, we're calling them bucket-heads. The insult!

Opposite Ends of the Spectrum

Gracie and Millie are getting so big, they have the gangly long legs of adolescents, their adult teeth and fur and are honing their hunting skills by playing with anything and everything. They have the sweetest dispositions: affectionate, loving, curious and playful. They really are the sweetest things.

Tomorrow they go in for their spaying, just in the nick of time it seems, as Millie was quite randy towards the end of last week. Thankfully she didn't get outside, nor did any Toms find their way in, but it still made me nervous and I don't want to be a grandma (to kitties or otherwise!) just yet. I feel a bit guilty bringing these sweet, innocent and trusting little kitties in to the vet to go under the knife, but I know it is the best thing for them and us. I somehow imagine that they will see more into the situation than they actually will, most likely they will just think: Hey, I don't like being in the cage, and ouch, my incision hurts. I definitely don't like this!

In my mind though, they will be thinking: Why did She do this to us? What's going on here? When can I go home? Sure, I know cats don't think like that and it's only my guilt and overactive imagination at work.

So, I have these two young kittens who are just starting out their lives, not quite adults yet and in contrast, I have my Charlotte, who is about 18 years old. We're not even sure how old she is as we adopted her from the shelter when she was 3-ish. She had the loudest and most pitiful meow and both Wilson and I fell in love with her. She has been the sweetest cat, purring the moment she sets eyes on either of us and each night sleeping tucked into the crook of my arm. She's always been "my" cat, or more aptly, I have always been her human.

In the past year she has slowed down considerably. First, she stopped grooming her back legs and I'd dutifully comb out the snarls. As she became more stiff she stopped grooming altogether and now she's a bit snarly and tangled all over. She growls when I try to comb her so I imagine she's sore. She's very slow and stiff when she walks but can still make it upstairs to the bedroom at night. Age hasn't stopped her purr, though! She still goes at it full blast and it just takes one little tickle under the chin or a stroke on top of her head to set her off.

With Charlotte, I'm wrestling with the decision of euthanasia. I don't think she's in any pain, but then again, cats are masters at hiding any sign of sickness or hurt. Certainly, she's not as sprightly as she used to be and does end up sleeping most of her days comfortably away on the perch over the heater in the window. She eats, she purrs and enjoys attention. But that's about it. She's been the most wonderful cat and doesn't deserve to suffer. On the other hand, as long as she's comfortable I can't justify euthanizing her. This is by far the most difficult decision I've had to face. With Benji it was obvious he was sick and that it was the kindest thing to do; this situation is a bit less clear cut. I have a feeling it's going to be soon so I'm trying to enjoy each moment with her that I can and not dwell on what next week might hold.

Every Day is Valentine's Day

Love it or hate it today is Valentine's day. I remember years ago when I was in college and didn't have a special someone it was such a depressing day. I usually went out with a friend, only to see happy couples on dates staring dreamily into each others' eyes, which only made matters worse. After nearly 20 years of marriage it's a nice day, a comfortable day and fun to plan little treats or surprises for Joe and Wilson.

My father has been known to disparage holidays (Mother's day in particular) saying that "every day is Mother's Day". I think what he means is that we should treat Mom in a special way each day, but somehow I don't think that's the case. The way he says it it sounds as though he feels that we spoil mothers on a daily basis and that they don't need a day all their own. You have to know my father to understand his sense of humor, I guess.

So what does Valentine's day really mean? I suppose you'll get as many answers as there are people to ask. We've never gone crazy on the day, usually a special dinner at home or perhaps a meal out, Joe brings me flowers and possibly some chocolate. Just some small tokens to celebrate the holiday. Joe is always great about writing something incredibly thoughtful in a card, he never fails to think of something sweet and sincere to say.

In thinking about my Dad's attitude towards "appreciation" holidays and both Joe and I agree that for the most part we do treat every day as Valentine's day. Not the sickeningly sweet, gazing-into-each-other's eyes type of Valentine's, but the mutual respect, admiration and love type of day that comes with 20 years of marriage. Why wait for one day a year to celebrate when you can do it every day? Live your beliefs every day and see what happens.